


I Am Broken and Free

by Eleeyara



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2016-09-30
Packaged: 2018-08-18 18:21:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8171365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eleeyara/pseuds/Eleeyara
Summary: I know that this kind of story has been done a miiiiillion times before. You know, Shepard chooses destroy and survives, is in a coma, wakes up, blah blah.But, if you're anything like me, you love reading basically the same thing over and over. Right?Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy. This is super focused on Garrus and FemShep cause they're my mega OTP so if that isn't you jam, just go elsewhere.This is compliant all the way through until the end of the third game. I had to replace that horrible ending with my own.Enjoy? Feel free to leave constructive criticism at the end! OK I'm done now.





	

**“I am a ruined vessel of sorrow and regret, but I am free”**

 

The first thing commander Shepard noticed on her foggy journey back to consciousness was the silence.

No gunshots. No falling buildings, no screaming children and sirens. Just a gentle beep of what she assumed was her heart monitor.

After years of fighting and destruction and death she found the silence blissfully peaceful and eerily upsetting.

She tried opening her eyes; the lights were dimmed, thank goodness. However, it was still a bit too much work right now. So she opted to just keep them closed and listen to her surroundings. She heard heart monitors, people walking on the other side of her curtain quietly. A vending machine clunking out a drink. No familiar voices filled her ears.

Were their voices even still there? Had they survived? How long had she been asleep. Where was her team? Garrus?

Oh god, Garrus. The though of her best friend, her lover, not surviving sent her mind into overdrive and consequently, her heart as well. The monitor beeped quickly and within seconds, what seemed like a dozen people flooded her room.

“Oh my god, she's awake”

“Someone get Dr. Chakwas!”

“Should we call her friends and family?”

“Where is Chakwas?!”

“Commander...Commander, can you hear me?”

Furrowing her brow, Shepard whispered with her unused vocal chords, “my god you guys are loud.”

The room quieted and from the entrance she heard a familiar chuckle.

“I don't think it's possible for you to die, Commander. The universe has tried many times, but you seem to just give it the finger and get back up.”

Dr. Chakwas walked over to the foot of Shepards bed, resting her hand gently on her leg.

“How are you feeling Commander? You've been out for a while, but your vitals look good. Do you have any questions?”

Shepard sat up, already feeling more alert.

“Dr. Chakwas, it's so good to see a familiar face. I feel fine. How's my team? How's Garrus, Liara? Joker? Oh god, Joker. He must hate me. How's Jack and Wrex? Grunt? Tali? Did they make it? How long have I been out for?”

Dr. Chakwas put up her hand to quietly hush Shepard up before she put herself back into a coma.

“I meant do you have any questions about yourself, but I suppose I'll answer these first. EDI, sadly, did not make it I'm afraid. However, everyone else did. They've all been called and are waiting for you in the lobby should you wish to see them. I want to keep you here for at least another few hours before I let you go, but that's mostly because I know I won't be able to keep you for longer.”

Shepard had the decency to look a little sheepish, though Chakwas was right. She wasn't planning on staying long; just until she had everything answered.

“Can you...bring Garrus in? I'd like to see Garrus.”

Chakwas nodded and went to retrieve Garrus. The others in the room trickled out slowly, until Shepard was left alone again. The thoughts in her head were screaming at her. The loudest of them kept telling her she made the wrong choice. EDI was gone...millions more were gone. Most of them nameless to Shepard, but all known to someone. Loved by someone.

Shepard had always hoped that when the war was over, if she survived, the weight of the galaxy would end with it. She hadn't counted on an entirely different weight taking its place. The weight of the faces and the names of all the people who died because she couldn't end it all sooner.

“Shepard?”

The sound of Garrus' voice made Shepard jolt her head to the other side of the room. There he was, scars and all. No armour now though. That was nice. Seeing his face, seeing him there, brought emotion rushing to the surface. Happiness that he made it, sadness that she almost left him, anger that she hadn't woken up for him sooner.

Shepard started to cry. Garrus was immediately at her side, on the bed, tucking her head away in the safety of his arms.

“God, Jess. I didn't know if you were ever going to wake up. I can't fucking believe it.” Garrus, who was also crying by this point, pulled Shepard closer, as if letting her go would make her disappear on him all over again.

“Garrus I'm sorry. I'm sorry. How long was I out for? Does Joker hate me? He must. Garrus I had no choice. I had no choice. _I'm so sorry_.”

Garrus lifted her face to his, cupping her cheeks so gently it was like his hands weren't even there.

“Jess. You have nothing to be sorry about. You saved the _entire_ galaxy. You have _nothing_ to be sorry about.” Shepard's chest constricted as she tried to hold back the sob trying to spill over.

“Jess...it's over. You can let it go now.” And there it was. The moment that broke her. Shepard let go of the breath and the sob, _it's over it's over it's over._

Garrus held her for almost an hour while she sobbed, which wound down to sniffles and hiccups. She couldn't cry anymore, there was nothing left.

“Garrus...you never answered my question. How long was I out for?”

Garrus shifted to his side a bit so he could look at her tear streaked face. Still beautiful.

“You were in a coma for a year and a half. Well, 17 months if you want to be exact. Which I'm sure you do.”

17 months. _17 months._ She must have taken one hell of a fall.

“17 months? Jesus Christ. Maybe Chakwas was right; I can't be killed.” Shepard's brain went into overdrive once the reality of a year and a half set in.

“How is everyone rebuilding? How are the relays? Is there anything I can do? I should do something. Has anyone been in contact with Ander-” Oh god. Anderson was dead. _Anderson is dead._

“Garrus. Anderson is dead. He's dead,” she whispered. Shepard was looking at him with wide eyes, fresh tears forming. The only person she had considered a father figure, one of her closest friends, was dead. Along with millions of others. _Hold it together. Deep breath in. Hold it. Exhale._ She could almost hear his voice saying that to her.

She closed her eyes, letting the sitting tears fall. Deep breath in, hold it, let it out.

Opening her eyes, she looked over to Garrus. Garrus who was still here and probably needed her more than he was saying. Garrus who _she_ needed more than she was saying. She could get through this with him.

“Garrus...god I'm so glad you're here. I'm so fucking relieved that you made it. I wouldn't have been able to do this if you weren't with me. I feel so broken right now, but I'm glad I've got you here to pick up all my pieces.”

“You're also free. You did it. You beat the Reapers. You saved the galaxy. You don't owe anyone anything anymore. The whole of existence _owes_ you now. I know that'll take some getting used to for you, but I'm sure with my help you'll be able to figure it out.”

“Yes I'm sure it will be so difficult for you to help me with relaxing.”

“It's a burden of love.” Garrus sighed dramatically.

“A _burden_ he says. You love it.”

“I do. And I love you.”

“Gross.”

Garrus laughed and kissed her cheek, “I'm so fucking happy Jess. I wouldn't have been able to do this without you.”

Shepard smiled and leaned her head on his shoulder. “Hey Garrus, think you could go rally up the gang? It's been a while since I've seen them.”

“Coma humour already? I like it. Sure thing, Shepard. I'll be back soon.”

Dr. Chakwas took that time to come in and do some quick scans on Shepard.

“Your vitals all look good, Commander. You are OK to leave, should you wish. Just please...take it easy. I've grown rather fond of you over the years and would like to see you in one piece.”

“Dr. Chakwas...you can call me Jess, now. I'm officially retired. At least for a while.”

“If I am to call you Jess, than you should call me Karin. It's only fair, Commander.”

Shepard laughed, “alright then...Karin. I'll do my best to stay in one piece from now on.”

Chakwas put her hand gently on top of Shepards, giving it small squeeze. “Thank you, Jess. Now, when you're feeling better I have a bottle of brandy with our names on it. I mean it though, not until you feel ready, physically and emotionally. You have a lot of healing to do.”

Commander Shepard, savior of the galaxy, did something at that moment that she had only done a handful of times to some very privy people. She hugged Karin Chakwas. A real hug.

She had come to learn that life was too short and too valuable to not tell the people you love that you love them, even if it was just in hug form. A hard soldiers life, no more.

Karin hugged her back, “Take care of yourself Commander. Jess. I'll leave you to it now, but if anything comes up you call me. And...remember to count the faces of the living. Remember the dead. But _see_ the living.”

Shepard smiled at her and with that, Shepard was alone again. Though not for long, as within minutes Garrus was back, bringing with him Liara, Joker, Wrex (that one was a surprise), Ashley, Vega, Samara, Tali, Grunt and Jack.

Leave it to Wrex to speak up first, “Shepard! It's good to see you, my friend. Wouldn't have ended well, naming my son after you if you had gone and died on us.”

“Wrex. It's nice to see you too. Oh man, so you did name him after me then? Poor kid.” Sheppard chuckled to herself.

Wrex got a serious look on his face and rested his hand on her shoulder, “it is the most honourable name he could have been given, my friend. Don't doubt that. It brings him strength.”

Wiping the tears from her eyes, Shepard gave Wrex a light punch on the arm. “Shucks Wrex, now you've got me crying again.”

Wrex huffed out a bellowing laugh, “come on now Shepard, don't tarnish the name with tears!”

Liara was next up to greet her. She seemed composed, until she put her hand on Shepards cheek, like a feather. The soft and warm flesh beneath her hand, the very much _alive_ flesh, seemed to be all she needed to let go of all the pent up anxiety and fear that came from losing your best friend.

Shepard swung her legs over the edge of the bed and quietly brought Liara into her for a crushing hug. She wasn't crying loudly, but Shepard felt the ache in Liara's chest as if it were her own.  
“I'm not going anywhere again, OK Liara? This was the last long term coma, I promise.” She felt Liara nod and laugh a bit, which seemed to be the end to her crying.

“You scared me Shepard. I already live like 900 years longer than you, you aren't allowed to die before you get old and crotchety. OK?”

“Yes mam” Shepard saluted her and smiled.

The next hour was spent reconnecting with her former crew. Her friends.  
_Good to see you up and about Lola._  
_I guess I'm glad you didn't croak._  
_It makes me happy that you weren't ready for the goddess' embrace._  
_The Geth are helping to rebuild Ranoch, I will bring you when you're better._

The last person in the room to come up to her was Joker. She looked toward him with a heavy heart. She had no idea what to expect.

Joker hobbled over to her and once he was in front of her, Shepard looked up at him.

“Joker...Joker I'm so sorry. I-” Joker raised his hand and gave her a crooked smile.

“Commander...you saved all our asses. EDI knew there was a high probability of her dying. She was proud of you. So...I am too. You know. So...thanks. That sounded super lame 'haha thanks for saving the _entire_ galaxy, golly gee' I should stop.”

“She was proud of me? I...I'm still sorry Joker. If there had been any way...I would have done anything if it would mean she was still here.”

“You've sacrificed enough Commander. We got it from here, OK?” Joker gave her arm a squeeze and walked back to the other side of the room, sitting in a chair.

“Well...I guess it's time for me to get dressed and get the hell out of this hospital. Where...where are we, anyway? Are we still on earth?”

“We're actually on the citadel. The council wanted you here. This is where Chakwas was and they figured a familiar face for you would be nice, if you woke up. When you woke up. Also, they probably want to see you...I mean it is the council.” Garrus finished his explanation with an eye roll and a shrug. He wasn't wrong though, she probably would have to go see the council at some point soon.

Shepard stood up with surprising grace for someone who hadn't used her legs in a year and a half. Probably had to do with the fact that she was basically half robot by this point. She took off her hospital gown, revealing her black sports bra and matching boy shorts. The awkward silence made her look up, pants half on.

“What? I've pretty much died twice now. I'm over modesty. Besides, you see more skin on Jack on a regular basis.”

“She's not lying guys, I am a proud slut.”

Everyone shrugged. It was true, it seemed silly to be so shy over a (mostly) naked body when they had all seen so much death and destruction. It's not like they hadn't all lived in close quarters for years, anyway.

Once Shepard was dressed, Garrus walked over and handed her a small duffle bag of stuff.

“Nothing fancy. Just some important documents and some clothes. A picture of me, of course.”

Shepard laughed at Garrus, “as if I could forget what you look like.”

“Oh I didn't put it in there as a reminder, I put it in there so you could bask in my glory, naturally.”

“Naturally.”

Shepard looked around at the rest of her friends, a part of her amazed that they were here and hadn't left her. “Well guys...I should go figure out my whole living thing now. And get in touch with the council, I guess. But we'll do a thing together soon. Maybe a dinner party with some dancing after. Don't be strangers. And I love you all. I wouldn't have been able to do _any_ of this without all of you guys right behind me. Now go on and live your lives and I'll see you soon, OK?”

With final hugs and 'until next times' Garrus and Shepard were alone again. She walked over and hugged him, resting her head on his chest.

“So uh...where exactly are we going now? It's not like I have an apartment or anything, unless the Normandy is still kickin.”

“Well she _is_ still flying just fine, but I have something a littler nicer in mind. The council decided, rightfully so in my opinion, that the savior of the galaxy deserved an expense free apartment. As well as a pretty hefty retirement fund. I'm sure they'll explain more when you talk to them.”

“Damn. I'll take it. Lead the way, Vakarian.”

Garrus led them out into the hallway, where the halls were lined with people. They had all heard that Commander Shepard was awake and wanted to see her, thank her, even just smile at her. Walking the some 50 feet to the elevator was riddled with handshakes, smiles, simple nods. It hadn't really sunk in that she had defeated the reapers. It didn't feel like it could _ever_ be over, not really. But to these people, she was a hero.

Finally getting to the elevators, Shepard gave one last wave before the doors closed. She sighed and leaned heavily against the wall, “I don't think I'll ever get used to the whole hero worship thing.”

Garrus laughed, “well you probably should at least try to. It won't stop any time soon. You saved the _galaxy_ Jess. The whole thing. All of it. All of us and all of them and their children and their childrens children. I know you're thinking of all the people who died, but try to think about the people who _lived._ ”

Shepard grabbed Garrus' hand and held it tight. When the elevator doors opened again, they were greeted by another huge plethora of people, in the middle of which stood the three members of the council.

Councilor Tevos is the first to step up and bow her head at Shepard, “welcome back Shepard. I'm happy to see that you've made a full recovery.”

Councilor Valern and Sparatus followed suit, both silently nodding their heads in Shepards direction.

Tevos looked at Shepard with an almost regretful look, “the first thing I would like to say, on behalf of the council, is how sorry we are. How sorry I am. We were too blinded by fear to see what was coming and we accelerated the deaths of too many people because of it.” The councilor wiped a stray tear from her eye before continuing.

“The second thing I would like to say, on behalf of the _galaxy_ , is thank you. You led an army of impossible proportions into an impossible task and you won. Without you, all of this would be gone. You have done something that we will never be able to efficiently repay you for. But we can try.”

Valern stepped forward at this point, “Commander Shepard...you have done this galaxy an immeasurable service. Showing you how truly grateful we are will be difficult, as we lack anything that scales with how much you've done, but what we can offer you is total security for you and your crew. None of you will want for anything. None of you will suffer again, if we can help it.”

Sparatus stepped forward to present Shepard with a pass key, “this is to your apartment. Garrus already has a pass key for it and can take you there at your leisure. It's fully paid for and you don't have to worry about bills or stocking the fridge or cupboards. It's been arranged to be restocked on a weekly basis. It's not much, it feels like so little compared to what you gave us, but it's something. Your whole crew already has or will be receiving the same, unless they specify otherwise.”

Shepard looked from the council members to the crowd around them, which was surprisingly quiet, considering.

“Thank you, councilors. This...is an immense burden off my shoulders, having just woken up.”

“It is _us_ who should be thanking _you_ , Shepard. We will never stop thanking you for what you've given us.” At this, Tevos bent into a bow, followed by the other councilors and then the entire room.

It didn't last long, but it filled Shepard with happiness.

“Thank you, councilors. Everyone. I had a lot to fight for, so thank you for giving me something to run toward.”

Councilor Tevos smiled at her, “you've earned your rest Commander. We will leave you now. If there is anything you need, never hesitate to ask. Have a good night, Shepard.”

Shepard took Garrus' hand and together they went to hail a cab. Apparently, a free ride to her apartment was an easy thing to come by when you're the savior of the galaxy. That was a nice perk.

Once Garrus had led her to the apartment door, he looked at her and directed his arm toward the door, “M'lady. You should go in first, check it out.”

She didn't need to be told twice. She entered the apartment and the first thing she noticed was how it was so...her. It had to have been Garrus, she knew that much, but she was surprised at how much he got right. Though she would never tell him that. The front entrance opened up right into the living room area, with a large cream coloured cross section couch, large natural stone fireplace in the centre of the room. To the left of the couch was a small step up that led to a window the size of the whole wall. It had a view of what seemed to be the whole citadel. There was a tall and wide bookshelf on the right side of the window room with a comfy dark coloured lounge chair and a sandalwood coloured hardwood side table. On the left side of the room was a small light coloured hardwood breakfast table, daisies and all. The living room was carpeted with white carpet, but the step up area was all dark mahogany wood with a red and black oriental rug. There were other small knick knacks here and there that made it cozier, but Shepard didn't pay too much attention.

She walked over to the window, looking out onto the citadel for the first time since she woke up, just a few hours ago. All things considered, the city looked to be a pretty good shape. It seemed like everyone was doing what they could to rebuild. Shepard was hit with a pang of guilt for not being awake to help. For not helping now that she was awake.

She felt a hand on her back, “Shepard, I know what you're thinking. Take a break. For me? I know you want to help and I also know that I won't be able to stop you from helping for long. But right now...come to the bedroom with me? I'm not quite ready to let you go off saving everyone again.”

Shepard turned around and into Garrus' embrace.

“Even though I basically slept for two years, I could really use a nap. And a shower. And maybe something more fun later, if you catch my drift.”

Garrus gave her a strange look, “humans have the oddest sayings. But Jess...I don't want you to rush into anything you aren't ready for. It's OK if you want to wait a while.”

“Garrus I was in a coma for a year and a half. My body is physically fine. I want you. I want to remember everything about you, what you feel like.”

Garrus could feel the plates around his groin loosening, no matter how hard he tried to keep the thoughts at bay. It had been just as long for him.

“But first,” Shepard kissed Garrus' cheek, “we nap. I am wiped. You're welcome to join me in the shower, however.” He led her by the hand to the bedroom, where a king sized bed waited for them. Not that they needed the space, seeing as how they would probably fall asleep koala-ing each other. After their speed shower, Shepard got into the silky soft sheets and snuggled close to Garrus. She was always some what surprised at how smooth his skin felt. Within minutes, she was asleep.

Shepard was slowly teased awake by an unmistakable tongue moving up the inside of her right thigh. She inhaled slowly but sharply and on the exhale managed to whisper, “god, finally”.

Garrus chuckled, the vibration going through her whole body, making her shiver.

Garrus worked his tongue up her thighs and to her centre, holding her legs down. He wanted to take his time and go slow, he really did, but that was for another time. It had been too long since he had her like this and he was pretty sure she felt the same. So after the fast teasing up her legs, his tongue was on her clit; circle, side to side, soft pressure, hard pressure, repeat. After building her up and taking her down for an almost cruel amount of time, he removed his tongue and slowly slid a talon inside her entrance. In and out slowly, just the way she liked. He moved his talon up just right and hit her g-spot, at which point he returned his tongue to her clit. With his tongue doing what he knew would get Shepard off the fastest, he picked up the pace with his talon, always making sure to graze her g-spot on the way out. He could feel Shepard's walls tightening around his finger; her breathing fast and short. He applied pressure to her clit and curled his finger up. That undid her. She exhaled sharply spewing _oh god, oh fuck._ He removed his finger and with a final swipe of his tongue, he was back up at her side.

“I haven't had an orgasm like that in _years_.”

Garrus laughed, “happy to help. I figured I'd keep it PG until you're a little farther away from just having woken up from a coma. But don't worry, you'll get a proper Vakarian fucking soon enough.”

“Keep talking like that and I'll make it right now.”

“Though I like the sounds of that, we should probably get up and go see some things. People. You know.”

“You're right. I miss the crew already, maybe we should see if they wanna do that dinner and dancing tonight? Or just a small thing here or something. I'd love to go see what's changed”

“Sounds good to me. Send out an invite for later tonight and then I'll take you around and show you what you saved. Be ready for some next level hero worship, though. There's even a statue of you.”

“There is _not_.” Shepard looked at him incredulously.

Garrus tried to keep a straight face, but the look of horror she was giving made him take pity, “no. BUT they wanted to. I had to talk them out of it. So I mean, you should probably be worshipping _me_.”

“Oh I will, don't worry. Anyway, thank god. I never would have been able to show my face again if there was a giant statue.”

“There's no statue, but there is something else. I'll show you that first. Come on, get dressed. Or don't, I mean I won't complain.”

Shepard threw her socks at him, but got dressed quickly. She was curious about this other thing.

Garrus took her down to the presidium commons. In the centre of the space, over looking the water, were two identical walls of marble. The first one read,

_“This wall is dedicated to those who fought to the death for the lives of the galaxy. To the civilians who didn't make it. You and your families will remain in the memories of the living for the rest of our existence. We are alive and living because of you and for you. Thank you.”_

Underneath the dedication, was the longest list of fallen soldiers she'd ever seen. Shepard walked up to the wall and pressed her palm against the cold marble. She got on her knees and silently let the tears fall. She wanted to read every single name. She knew she couldn't, but she wanted to.

At the bottom of the wall were flowers, letters, trinkets, favourite necklaces, notes from children.  
_I miss you mummy._  
_I miss you daddy. Today in school we talked about mixing colours!_  
_The kids are doing good now, most days._  
_I'll never stop loving you._

Shepard sat there until she felt Garrus' hand on her shoulder. She stood up and leaned into him, looking around at the crowd that had gathered. Most people were crying, but looking at her with admiration. Admiration that she didn't feel like she deserved, not with a list of death that long.

“The list on the other side of all this is longer, Jess. I'm not saying to forget the dead. Just to remember the living. Come look at the other wall.”

Garrus took her the short journey over to the other wall, Shepard tightly holding his hand the whole time. When they were in front of the other wall, Shepard looked up.

_“This wall is dedicated to Commander Shepard, savior of the galaxy. Without her, the crew of the Normandy, and the countless soldiers who fought along side them, none of this would be possible. On behalf of the citadel, the council and the entire galaxy, we thank you.”_

_Commander Jessica Shepard_  
_Captain David Anderson_  
_Garrus Vakarian_  
_Urdnot Grunt_  
_James Vega_  
_Urdnot Wrex_  
_Jack_  
_Liara T'soni_  
_Miranda Lawson_  
_Steve Cortez_  
_Jacob Taylor_  
_Ashley Williams_  
_Kaidan Alenko_  
_Justicar Samara_  
_Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy_  
_EDI_  
_Jeff 'Joker' Moreau_  
_Thane Krios_  
_Legion_  
_Mordin Solus_

_And to the rest of the Normandy crew, we thank you._

Shepard read the names over and over and over. EDI, Legion, Thane, Mordin, Kaidan. She would give anything for them to be able to see this. To see that they had won.

Garrus squeezed her hand and put his forehead against the side of her head. “I love you, Jessica Shepard. I want to spend the rest of our lives showing you everything and everyone you saved, me included.”

Shepard wiped tears off of her cheek, “cheese-ball. I love you too Garrus Vakarian.”

She turned around to look at all the people. Some were watching her, others were helping clear rubble piles, others were simply walking around and looking at things as if it was for the first time. She took a deep breath, held it, exhaled.

She really was free now. They all were.


End file.
